why does our conversations always end up this way...
you know tt day when both of us are in the room and i was crying...
u totally ignored me and went to sleep...
you know how was i feeling?
i'm having a relapse~
i can't stop crying...
after you slept...
in order not to disturb you coz of my relapse...
and mainly coz i wanna cry it out...
i quietly took the keys and my hp...
got out of the hse...
went downstairs to the playground and just sat there crying...
as i walked...
i feel like dying there and then...
a thought flashed past me...
should i just go to the upper most floor and just end my life jumping down from there...
i cried and cried until everything i see is like black and white...
i feel very faint...
i'm breathing harder and harder...
painful as i tried to breathe...
i messaged Morbidkat...
"Jas... I may or may not remember sending this message... I dunno what will happen... I'm just sitting here... Crying... Shaking... I couldn't speak a word... I'm scared... I ran out from Maki's home... Maki fumed when i couldn't speak up... I dunno what to do... I can't stop crying... I'm all alone... I feel so much like dying... I'm so confused... My heart and chest hurts... Its hard to breathe... I don't know how long i can last..."
tt was the only message i managed to send...
i sat there crying and crying and crying...
words can't explain how torn I am...
I feel helpless...
i sat there crying for hours...
i could not remember i sat there crying how long...
all i know was...
when i stood up...
i felt faint...
then as i walk back home...
i...
fainted...
nobody was beside me...
when i recovered...
i forgot all the things...
memories start to flood back only when i checked my hp and found the above message...
i continued walking home...
back to bed...
and slept...
_~.:: <3 †Misha- <3 Alex ::.~_
>> titledat 7:35:00 am__
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Monday, November 20, 2006
i found this conversation while trying to clear up some disk space~ one note to darling~ please remember you promises you made to me~ coz to me promises are not meant to be broken~ ______________________________ 11:31:17] maki`emo>dear 11:31:28] izgnil>? 11:31:41] maki`emo>rem ur lunch 11:31:46] maki`emo>dont skip everytime 11:32:08] izgnil>ok 11:32:10] maki`emo>ytd u slp le ah? 11:32:16] izgnil>yeah 11:32:39] izgnil>i slept at arnd 10+ 11:32:49] maki`emo>so pig ah 11:32:50] maki`emo>haha 11:32:53] izgnil>o.o 11:33:01] maki`emo>today np got wgt 11:33:07] maki`emo>kw team nw playing 11:33:11] izgnil>o.o 11:33:40] izgnil>i was supposed to work for wgt on the 28th 11:33:42] izgnil>=/ 11:33:46] *Maki`EMO muack iZgNiL 11:33:50] izgnil>o.o 11:34:11] *Maki`EMO muack iZgNiL 11:34:12] 8Maki`EMO muack iZgNiL 11:34:12] *Maki`EMO muack iZgNiL 11:34:31] *Maki`EMO hug iZgNiL 11:34:35] izgnil>O.o 11:34:49] izgnil>last time its always me doing it 11:34:52] izgnil>=/ 11:35:48] maki`emo>i didnt give u tat attention 11:35:54] maki`emo>nw i giving all to u 11:37:39] maki`emo>laopo 11:38:02] izgnil>? 11:38:30] maki`emo>later i come fetch u 11:38:59] izgnil>dun nid bah 11:39:21] maki`emo>y sia 11:39:46] izgnil>nth 11:41:50] maki`emo>gxl u was there? 11:42:50] izgnil>yeah 11:42:53] izgnil>i was there 11:43:02] maki`emo>y on ur blog u say late 11:43:18] maki`emo>laopo 11:43:23] maki`emo>i love u 11:43:25] maki`emo>yes i do 11:43:34] maki`emo>i`ll b with u 11:43:45] maki`emo>as long as u wan me go 11:43:50] maki`emo>until e end of time 11:44:48] maki`emo>dear? 11:44:50] izgnil>? 11:44:55] izgnil>sry i was on the phone 11:44:59] izgnil>with moi mum 11:45:01] maki`emo>o ok 11:46:03] maki`emo>nw still on ah 11:46:43] izgnil>nope 11:46:47] izgnil>just put down 11:48:31] maki`emo>dear 11:48:59] izgnil>? 11:49:10] maki`emo>u still angry ah 11:49:14] izgnil>why? 11:49:52] maki`emo>sry i was stupid 11:50:10] maki`emo>can u forgive me 11:50:29] izgnil>how was you stupid? 11:50:44] maki`emo>i was being a mutuo 11:52:29] izgnil>mu tou? 11:52:31] izgnil>=/ 11:52:43] izgnil>louise said "dumbass" 11:52:45] izgnil>=/ 11:53:22] maki`emo>she scold me 11:53:38] izgnil>she scold you what? 11:53:38] maki`emo>wooden block dumbass insensitive creature 11:53:53] maki`emo>pro in gaming , very lan in games of love 11:55:00] maki`emo>i tink tats all she said 11:55:21] izgnil>okie 11:55:37] maki`emo>lao po forgive me plz 11:56:44] maki`emo>e regrets keep striking deep into my heart 11:57:06] maki`emo>i realise e pain u gone thru 11:57:43] maki`emo>hao bu hao 11:58:09] maki`emo>let us cont ur love story 11:58:17] yrcgnil>cont? 11:58:19] yrcgnil>how? 11:58:26] yrcgnil>when moi heart is in shreds? 11:58:42] maki`emo>y is it shreds 11:58:44] maki`emo>dear dont cry 11:59:14] maki`emo>even its in shreds its my doing 11:59:18] maki`emo>let me piece em back 11:59:45] maki`emo>its our love story 11:59:47] maki`emo>our promise 12:02:39] yrcgnil>promise? 12:02:42] yrcgnil>=/ 12:02:46] maki`emo>? 12:03:27] yrcgnil>moi heart is torn apart already 12:05:08] maki`emo>fix em back 12:05:49] maki`emo>u kick ban me for? 12:06:08] yrcgnil>nope 12:06:21] yrcgnil>its a discussion 12:06:22] yrcgnil>=/ 12:06:31] maki`emo>wa dicussion 12:07:59] yrcgnil>u wanna go in the channel again? 12:08:01] yrcgnil>ok le 12:08:20] maki`emo>wa u hiding 12:08:36] yrcgnil>i am not hiding anything 12:08:44] maki`emo>i dont care wa they say 12:09:03] maki`emo>its ur words tat i care for 12:11:14] maki`emo>wa u dicuss abt? 12:11:17] yrcgnil>care? 12:11:21] yrcgnil>hiz 12:11:22] yrcgnil>haiz 12:11:31] maki`emo>yes c a r e 12:11:38] yrcgnil>some things are not meant to be seen 12:12:16] maki`emo>u still zai hu wo ma 12:12:50] yrcgnil>yeah 12:12:53] yrcgnil>but what the point? 12:13:01] yrcgnil>you dun appreciate it 12:13:07] maki`emo>i do 12:13:27] maki`emo>u already explain to u e every lil actions i do 12:14:27] yrcgnil>i'm still neglected 12:14:33] yrcgnil>left alone 12:14:41] maki`emo>now u r not alone 12:14:49] maki`emo>i`ll b always by ur side 12:14:49] yrcgnil>and i am afraid of being left alone 12:15:05] maki`emo>u mean now still neglected? 12:16:03] maki`emo>dear? 12:16:20] yrcgnil>yes? 12:16:23] yrcgnil>yeah 12:16:29] maki`emo>nw? 12:16:44] maki`emo>am i doing not enuf 12:17:34] maki`emo>if ur office allow to 12:17:37] maki`emo>i come now 12:17:52] yrcgnil>nvm 12:18:01] yrcgnil>there's no need 12:18:02] yrcgnil>T_T 12:18:35] maki`emo>o shit 12:18:38] maki`emo>u nv go eat 12:18:45] maki`emo>u eating? 12:18:58] yrcgnil>i haben eat yet 12:19:11] maki`emo>go eat then 12:19:50] maki`emo>u eating? 12:20:01] yrcgnil>not yet 12:20:02] maki`emo>or skipping 12:20:03] yrcgnil>later 12:20:05] maki`emo>o 12:20:09] yrcgnil>maybe skipping 12:20:12] yrcgnil>no apetite 12:21:12] maki`emo>hw can u forgive me 12:23:18] maki`emo>dear.. 12:23:25] depressed>? 12:23:44] maki`emo>hw can u forgive me 12:24:58] maki`emo>if i land myself in hospital now , will it b different 12:25:23] depressed>what are you thinkg? 12:28:34] maki`emo>nth 12:28:58] maki`emo>wa time u gonna eat 12:29:46] maki`emo>dear? 12:30:15] depressed>? 12:30:17] depressed>dunno 12:30:22] depressed>see first 12:31:24] maki`emo>dear as long as u r there 12:31:34] maki`emo>i love u is dedicated to u 12:32:46] maki`emo>lets abide to e promise hao bu hao 12:32:52] maki`emo>i know i been in wrong 12:33:02] maki`emo>u gotta let me repent for my doings 12:33:45] maki`emo>laopo ke yi ma 12:34:14] depressed>how would i know if you wouldn't revert back 12:34:15] depressed>T_T 12:34:59] maki`emo>im awake from e hibernation 12:35:08] depressed>hibernation? 12:35:14] depressed>since when are you in hibernation? 12:35:37] maki`emo>how u know i wont revert back 12:35:59] maki`emo>u scare i revert back? 12:36:09] depressed>VERY SCARED 12:36:25] maki`emo>i never doubt u 12:36:33] maki`emo>n i always said 12:36:37] maki`emo>nv doubt a maki 12:36:41] depressed>=) 12:36:46] depressed>yeah i know tt 12:37:04] depressed>i'm going out for lunch 12:37:05] depressed>bbl 12:37:09] maki`emo>k 12:37:15] maki`emo>ard wa time back 12:37:25] depressed>dunno 12:37:31] depressed>130 like tt 12:37:38] maki`emo>tell me when u get back ok 12:37:42] maki`emo>enjoy ur meal dear 13:12:04] depressed>back 13:13:31] maki`emo>wa u eat 13:13:50] daedgnil>horfun 13:13:57] daedgnil>later needa puke again le 13:13:59] daedgnil>argh 13:14:07] maki`emo>? 13:14:09] maki`emo>wa happen 13:14:19] maki`emo>e drugs effect? 13:14:33] daedgnil>moi anti-depressant medicine will cause me to puke out whatever i ate 13:15:06] maki`emo>tat med eat b4 meal or after? 13:15:30] daedgnil>once every night b4 sleep 13:15:42] daedgnil>but the side effects will last the whole day 13:15:49] maki`emo>.. 13:15:58] maki`emo>no wonder u feel weak 13:16:03] maki`emo>no energy 13:16:41] maki`emo>u dont tink of puke 13:16:43] maki`emo>cant control 1 13:16:49] maki`emo>i mean can 13:17:03] daedgnil>mine will come out itself de 13:17:06] daedgnil>i can't control 13:17:08] daedgnil>T_T 13:17:17] maki`emo>i help u control lo 13:17:19] maki`emo>haha 13:18:00] daedgnil>... 13:18:15] maki`emo>will tk care of u ma 13:18:18] maki`emo>hehe 13:19:50] maki`emo>no more angry or 13:20:10] daedgnil>. 13:20:49] maki`emo>. mean or rite 13:21:24] *dAeDgNiL headache 13:21:26] daedgnil>bbl 13:21:37] maki`emo>k 13:21:50] maki`emo>hw long 13:22:04] daedgnil>dunno 13:22:08] daedgnil>head damn pain 13:22:22] maki`emo>ur med all taken? 13:22:27] daedgnil>nope 13:22:36] daedgnil>i hate med 13:22:39] daedgnil>argh 13:22:41] maki`emo>u must hav miss out 13:22:43] maki`emo>something 13:22:51] maki`emo>i feed u next time 13:22:58] daedgnil>i only missed out moi inhaler 13:23:03] daedgnil>feed me what? 13:23:09] maki`emo>med lo 13:23:11] daedgnil>. 13:23:15] daedgnil>dun nid 13:23:19] daedgnil>bah 13:24:22] maki`emo>y u so harsh to me 13:24:56] daedgnil>harsh? 13:25:16] daedgnil>i i were harsh i wouldn't be talking already... 13:25:17] daedgnil>haiz 13:25:50] maki`emo>o 13:26:07] maki`emo>then dont say nvm n dun nid again 13:26:11] maki`emo>say ok 13:26:12] maki`emo>or ya 13:26:16] daedgnil>. 13:27:55] maki`emo>forgiven granted? 13:28:00] dead->. 13:28:48] maki`emo>dear? 13:28:58] dead->what? 13:29:15] maki`emo>grant ok? 13:29:17] maki`emo>or 13:29:23] dead->no 13:29:40] maki`emo>why 13:30:28] dead->you know how tired i am? 13:30:49] maki`emo>i know 13:30:54] dead->how? 13:31:06] maki`emo>very extreme 13:31:33] dead->do you know tt i am too tired? too tired to the point tt i just feel like dying 13:32:23] maki`emo>u scare i revert is it 13:33:05] dead->tt is one thing i am afraid of 13:33:15] maki`emo>and wads other? 13:33:26] dead->and plus i am very very afraid to be alone 13:33:35] maki`emo>i wont leave u alone 13:33:57] dead->do you know that there were times when you were not at home and i am the only one at home? 13:34:06] dead->do you know how i survived? 13:34:28] dead->i curled moiseld up in a corner and fell asleep until you brp came back 13:34:36] dead->bro* 13:34:40] dead->moiself* 13:34:55] maki`emo>yeah 13:35:05] maki`emo>and tat day u relapse 13:35:12] maki`emo>i throw off my work 13:35:23] maki`emo>n went to hospital 13:35:45] maki`emo>my bro got work early 13:35:49] maki`emo>i send him back 13:36:04] maki`emo>e nurse say u coma 13:36:13] maki`emo>i ask him to call me asap u wake up 13:36:19] maki`emo>he didnt do so 13:36:26] maki`emo>until u came b in e morning 13:36:49] dead->tt's not the only time... 13:37:09] dead->there were times i fainted back at your house when i am alone 13:37:17] maki`emo>dear 13:37:26] maki`emo>we r talking abt now 13:37:28] maki`emo>n future 13:37:43] maki`emo>if u bring up past 13:38:04] dead->then? 13:38:45] maki`emo>we dont live in past 13:38:56] dead->and? 13:38:56] maki`emo>we pave towards future 13:39:58] maki`emo>tat times tat u r alone 13:40:02] maki`emo>i wrking 13:40:06] maki`emo>n came b asap 13:40:08] dead->yeah 13:40:19] dead->tt's why i never told you 13:40:30] maki`emo>but i realise myself 13:40:34] maki`emo>i stop my wrk 13:40:38] maki`emo>but i didnt tell u 13:41:05] dead->why didn't you tell me? 13:41:25] maki`emo>i dont wan u to worry too 13:41:31] maki`emo>liek u do 13:41:34] maki`emo>coz u love me 13:41:38] maki`emo>n i do too 13:42:59] maki`emo>didnt u realise after e incident 13:43:06] maki`emo>i go wrk lesser then no more 13:43:22] dead->which incident? 13:43:33] maki`emo>e above i mention 13:43:39] maki`emo>coz i dont wan u to b alone 13:44:02] maki`emo>i admit i m very into e games 13:45:15] dead->uh huh 13:46:15] maki`emo>dear hw will u forgive me 13:47:28] maki`emo>if i dont care or love 13:47:36] maki`emo>i wont b here trying so hard 13:48:49] maki`emo>dear u there? 13:48:53] dead->ya 13:48:53] dead->ya 13:49:56] maki`emo>i rly trying hard 13:50:16] maki`emo>to go on with our love story 13:51:12] maki`emo>dear u bz? 13:52:08] dead->nope 13:52:11] dead->but very tired 13:52:21] maki`emo>u ok ma 13:52:37] dead->yeah 13:52:43] dead->but head damn dizzy 13:54:02] maki`emo>relax 13:55:25] maki`emo>drink some water 13:56:47] maki`emo>feeling better ma 13:57:49] maki`emo>dear u resting? 14:05:22] dead->bth 14:05:42] maki`emo>? 14:06:05] maki`emo>u scare me sia 14:06:14] maki`emo>u fell aslp? 14:07:30] maki`emo>dear? 14:09:01] maki`emo>dear u bth wa 14:43:48] dead->not fell asleep 14:43:54] dead->i went away from the computer 14:43:58] dead->back to moi seat 14:44:04] dead->to rest 14:44:05] dead->coz 14:44:08] dead->head damn pain 14:44:12] dead->damn dizzy 14:44:25] dead->feels like i'm floating or something 14:44:29] maki`emo>i was worried 14:45:48] maki`emo>i dunno where to dl those funky stuff 14:45:52] maki`emo>only got default 1 14:46:10] dead->huh> 14:46:15] dead->diaoz 14:46:19] maki`emo>e kiss thing lo 14:46:27] *Maki`EMO muacks kelly dear dear 14:46:27] dead->o 14:47:24] dead->you asked louise to call me? 14:47:28] dead->O.o 14:47:32] maki`emo>ya 14:47:41] maki`emo>i tht wa happen to u 14:47:54] maki`emo>u also dont wan ans my calls 14:49:46] izgnil>. 14:54:38] maki`emo>gt feel any better? 14:54:53] izgnil>nope 15:30:28] maki`emo>y u haiz 15:30:40] izgnil>head gonna burst soon 15:31:11] maki`emo>chill abit 15:31:12] maki`emo>relax 15:42:24] maki`emo>dear.. 15:42:43] izgnil>? 15:43:06] maki`emo>i wait for u at e same place later 15:43:36] izgnil>dun nid la 15:44:18] maki`emo>i will b there 15:44:23] izgnil>. 15:44:54] maki`emo>k 15:48:38] maki`emo>i still owe u those muacks 15:49:18] maki`emo>rite dear? 15:49:53] maki`emo>? 15:51:00] izgnil>. 15:52:42] maki`emo>u still rem tat time u hide ur past from me 15:52:45] maki`emo>then u told me 15:54:02] maki`emo>rem ma? 15:54:16] izgnil>which paste? 15:54:28] maki`emo>e les thing 15:54:35] izgnil>LOL 15:54:37] izgnil>ya? 15:54:58] maki`emo>i nv depise u or blame u wa 15:55:38] izgnil>then? 15:56:32] maki`emo>u juz dont wan forgive me? 15:57:33] izgnil>u wun be able to take care of me... as what i went thru last time... 15:57:45] maki`emo>hw u know i wont 15:58:13] maki`emo>i trying n u don accept my every effort 15:58:20] izgnil>even though i love you... but haiz... 15:58:47] maki`emo>y cant we cont our storry 15:59:59] maki`emo>i care i cherish i love 16:00:04] maki`emo>tats y i doing all these 16:00:41] maki`emo>i know it wont b ez 16:00:49] maki`emo>but i alrdy decide 16:01:03] maki`emo>but u dont make it so hard ma 16:01:37] maki`emo>dear? 16:20:05] izgnil>? 16:35:34] maki`emo>so 16:42:23] izgnil>? 16:42:26] izgnil>so what? 16:44:06] maki`emo>dont blame her 16:44:09] maki`emo>she trying to help 16:44:25] izgnil>i never blame her 16:44:33] maki`emo>i know 16:44:37] maki`emo>u blame me 16:45:20] maki`emo>wads e main issue 16:45:28] maki`emo>me being engross n neglect u? 16:47:02] maki`emo>dear? 16:47:11] izgnil>yes? 16:52:32] maki`emo>tats e main concern? 16:52:47] izgnil>primarily yes 16:54:27] maki`emo>secondary? 16:57:07] maki`emo>wads e secondary 16:57:25] izgnil>haiz 16:57:30] izgnil>i dunno what to say 16:57:40] izgnil>moi dad hates your hair too =/ 16:57:48] maki`emo>.. 16:57:55] maki`emo>coz its dyed? 16:58:07] izgnil>he says its too erm... golden 16:58:22] maki`emo>or 16:58:31] maki`emo>note taken 16:58:51] maki`emo>its u 16:58:58] maki`emo>im concern of 16:59:06] izgnil>me? 16:59:10] maki`emo>yes 16:59:46] izgnil>after each time i asked you something all i felt was moi heart had been slowly ripped into bits and pieces 17:00:09] maki`emo>ask me wa 17:00:22] izgnil>alot of things 17:00:23] izgnil>=/ 17:00:27] maki`emo>when situation comes 17:00:29] maki`emo>i m so lost 17:00:43] maki`emo>cant speak n tink well 17:01:16] maki`emo>u mean now 17:01:25] maki`emo>regarding to e things u ask? 17:03:07] maki`emo>? 17:04:44] izgnil>nvm already 17:04:51] izgnil>i've got nth to say le 17:05:00] maki`emo>[16:51] but i did ask him b4 he stopped working 17:05:07] maki`emo>if i tell u 17:05:17] maki`emo>u will skip more meals 17:05:24] maki`emo>dont tk money from me 17:05:32] maki`emo>rite? 17:05:56] maki`emo>tat is wa i dont wish to c 17:06:03] maki`emo>so i kept from u 17:06:24] maki`emo>coz i dont wan u to suffer 17:07:22] izgnil>even though you dun say 17:07:31] izgnil>i also refrained from taking money from you 17:07:41] izgnil>unless i really have no choice 17:07:45] maki`emo>at least u wil tk ma
_~.:: <3 †Misha- <3 Alex ::.~_
>> titledat 11:32:00 am__
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Sunday, November 19, 2006
i have put up a thread regarding a grouping for eoy 2007 and private photograph shoot in 2008...
dammit... i dunno what happened... i got a feeling tt there's gonna be another flaming war in the bleach thread in http://sgcafe.com ... wth... i was there only to just support... i dun mean to spam dammit... Since they were talking abt scaring ppl with looks or actions... i just posted the pics i took when i was hospitalised... wtf... what wrong have i done man~ fuck it~ what's with the sentence wasn't directed totally at me... wtf?! so it was directed at me after all... at least partially... wtf... i got his after i supported tt bloody group... Fuck my brain... Fuck my thinking... Fuck my kaypo-ness... Fuck off @ myself...
no nid to tell me... i know i'm a fucking stupid person...
_~.:: <3 †Misha- <3 Alex ::.~_
>> titledat 2:08:00 am__
. : : Romanji : : . Daisuki da yo. (I love you) Lyrics, music, piano by: Otsuka Ai Romaji by: Brian Stewart
nandaka anata no koto omoidasu no mottainai yo atashi dake no mono ni shiteokitai kara nandaka anata no koto omoidasu no yada yo datte hitori de niyakete hazukashii yo tetsuya de kaettekite tsukareteru no ni dakko shite kurete yume no naka ni ite mo wakatta yo
anata ga koishikute koishikute kore ijyou dou shiyou mo nakute anata ga koishikute koishikute zutto zutto daisuki da yo
shitteta? ano yoru ni ne futari de doraibu ni itta toki baiku no ushiro zaseki de negatta koto
shitteta? ano yoru ni ne futari de miageta hoshizora ni anata to atashi no shiawase ga mieta yo tatta hitotsu no korogatteta atashi wo kirei ni shite kurete itsudatte sasaete kureta anata ga koishikute koishikute kore ijyou hanaretakunai yo anata ga koishikute koishikute zutto zutto daisuki da yo
zutto zutto zutto zutto zutto zutto daisuki da yo la la la...
. : : English Translation : : . Daisuki da yo. (I love you) Lyrics, music, piano by: Otsuka Ai English by: Brian Stewart & Takako Sakuma
It seems a waste to reminisce about you because I want to keep you mine and mine alone. I don't really wanna remember you I mean, it's embarassing grinning to myself. eventhough you were late coming home tired from a late night you picked me up in your arms even in my dreams, I knew it.
I miss you so I couldn't feel anymore helpless I miss you so I'll always love you.
did you know, what I wished for that night when we went for a drive? did you know, that I saw our happiness in the sky we looked up at together? you took this one 'me' laying there made her beautiful and were always there for me. I miss you so I don't wanna be any further away from you I miss you so I'll always love you.
I miss you so I couldn't feel anymore helpless I miss you so I'll always love you.
I will always, always and forever I will always love you. la la la
_~.:: <3 †Misha- <3 Alex ::.~_
>> titledat 9:23:00 am__
